My father in law died 2 years ago. In the span of a day, or family was changed forever. His death was sudden, unexpected, and a tragically devastating loss for the family. It was deepfelt in his church family, military family, service family, his life long friends family… he was extremely beloved within his community and everywhere he went. Our family has felt deep pain in losing him in the here and now.
My husband is the older by 18 months of two boys. Their Biological father was an abusive man and a drug addict. Their mom escaped and moved back to her home state. There, she met my father in-law out dancing, and he had complimented her outfit. She had missed his “line”, but he went back to his friend and declared that she would be his wife. Well, he was right.
Soon after, they became soul-mates, and one day her ex called. My father in-law made it clear in no uncertain terms that if he ever tried to contact any of them again, he would end him. Or something effective like that. At the time the boys were somewhere in the age ranges of 6-9. Her ex never tried to contact them again.
Since the day he met them, he melded together with those two boys and became their Dad. When they were young, he took them fishing, camping, bailed them out of jams, lovingly beat them up in an attempt to toughen them up. It worked, mostly. They both scream like a little girl if a spider passes through their vision. One almost wrecked a moving vehicle. But my father in-law showed them how a real man behaves, exhibits character, and loves a woman. And how to follow Christ.
Studley’s favorite person to hang out with was his Dad. When we lived 20 minutes down the road (when the kids where babies), we hung out with them a lot. We would always play spades, and it was always girls against boys. Their house was baby-proofed, so it was comfortable being there. They probably saved our marriage. They were the best example I had ever met who exemplified what a beautiful Christian marriage really looked like. But like a real one, in the real world with real life situations. (And that was my goal, to have a healthy real life Christian family.)
My father in-law was raised in a small ranching community in Oregon. His dad was mean, and his mom was awesome but hard. She was also funny. His whole family are and were awesome people in their own way. He was a true cowboy, a proud American patriot, athletic all through his life. He was a state champion wrestler in school. He served in multiple deployments around the world. Led security teams at multiple churches they attended. He kept supplies in his truck in case he ever needed to help a stranger out on the road.
He was also the best hands on Dad, Papa, and Grampa ever. He brought each of my babies in turn to the local western stores to show off his Grand-Babies, ‘who look just like him’ to the employees, who of course knew him by name. He would get them a brand new pair of cowboy boots every time their feet grew, starting at infancy. Papa and Grandma would take them to military family events since they were born. They took them camping with their friends. He took them to museums and put them on horses and took them to rodeos, and gave them 4 wheeler rides around the yard. He taught them how to shoot a gun. He assisted my son in completing hunters safety. He played dress up with the girls. He tried to help with homework. And on and on and on. When he left the house to run an errand, they went with him. Every time. “Get your boots on boy, and get in the truck.”
I have the cutest picture of one of my daughters at 2 or 3 in pink boots and a pink hat (that was the entire ensemble). He kept them all outfitted in a western outfit, every time they came for a visit. Which was at least once a summer, once we moved away. He took them to his hometown to learn about calving on the family ranch.
Some people couldn’t believe we would let our babies be gone for that long. Every summer, it was anywhere from 2-4 weeks. But not only was it a blessed relief for us to have some alone time together for more than a day or two, but we became best friends over the years, and this was part of why. They allowed us to get to go do things on an extended date, because they knew we needed it. And we knew those kids were having the time of their lives, and learning important lessons along the way.
A marriage should be a shadow of the relationship with God. You’re supposed to hang out daily. If you’re not dating your spouse, in some fashion that works for both of you, you’re missing out. What did you do with your best friend in high school? We went driving around all the time. My in-laws blessed us with alone time. So now when he has to go somewhere, I tag along, and visa versa. I could have stayed home and gotten some chores done. But I prefer to go wherever he is going, and sing together, chat about the retarded-ness of politics, current events, whatever. I want to hang out with him. We do life together, and that concept mirrors the desire of God for us. He wants to do life together with us every day as well. In His garden.
I watched my father in-law serve my mother in-law. Daily. You both have to work at being each others friend. A good friend does things for you, even though they don’t have to. My husband has never told me I had to, or couldn’t do ANYTHING in 20 years of marriage. Not once. Conversely, these days, he probably couldn’t remember the last time he didn’t wake up to some form of RTD coffee, awaiting his awakening. And up until a few months ago, I only drank tea. (I only recently switched back to coffee, though in moderation this time around. For the most part. When I was a young mom I drank close to a pot of black Folgers Classic Bunn brewed coffee every day.) But I know that he genuinely wants a cup of hot black coffee with a splash of cold water shoved under his nose or left on the nightstand every day. Do I have to do that? Of course not. But I like to do it because it’s kind.
And when one person is kind, others tend to catch on and dish out kindness of their own. It’s not supposed to be a burden to ‘serve’ your spouse. And it’s not supposed to be 50%-50%. It’s supposed to be 100%-100%. If you are both thinking of each others needs before yours throughout your days and nights and weeks and weekends and months and years together…what do you think will happen? If you are both in The Word regularly, and are genuinely desiring to love each other as they are, instead of how you wish they would be…it gets easier and easier to overlook the bullshit that is the reality of being human – both male and female.
Right now Studley is above me in his office learning something for work. It’s Friday night, 8:32. I just brought him a sandwich. I’m realizing he is passionate about his work. He has a gift from God and that’s his garden. They hang out there. It’s interesting to realize that and have to give it the same respect I want for my passions. I already receive it. I am a brat. I’m working on it. I’m thoroughly enjoying sitting here in my library overlooking the fire slowly blazing at the other side of the living room. This is my idea of a good time. And it is also his up there.
A Christian man is supposed to be a shadow and Image bearer of God the Father. He should be a small human example of the love of God. Our Creator loves us far greater than any earthly father ever could. But my father in-law certainly challenged that sentiment! He truly loved unconditionally! He adopted Studley and his little brother as his own and would fight anyone who used the word ‘step’. He modeled it so well that my brother in-law made the same beautiful choice later in life in marrying a Christian gal who came with 3 awesome boys. They were adopted into the family the same way.
My husband, my mother in-law, my brother in-law, my father in-laws sisters, and everyone of us who had the privilege to know him and be loved as family by him, biological or adoptive, would give absolutely anything to hang out in a garden with ‘Dad’ again. He impacted so many people, and just shined Christs’ love all over the place. He was a force of love. And he walked in the Garden with God everyday! He was a true disciple of Jesus. We miss him every day, but we also know that we will see him again. For sure. That’s a part of the peace that passes understanding. He’s probably shodding horses in heaven, and outfitting the cavalry.
Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Love,
Peach
